I never understood what people meant when they said “ I’m feeling anxious,” or ,“ I Had a panic attack,” until I started my divorce process. This has been the hardest and most painful process I have ever gone through. It’s been harder than the passing of my mom. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Divorce isn’t an easy decision to make, and I don't think you’re ever prepared to bare the consequences: guilt, shame, confusion, and so much more. I think what made it harder on me was that this is the first time in my life I’ve been truly alone. Away from my mother or older sister, apart from any significant other. I’ve always been guided and protected. There was always someone there to give me the attention I yearned for and thrived on for years.
Being alone, I Started battling a lot with anxiety and depression. Somedays I only had enough energy to get the kids to school and jump back into bed. All I wanted to do was sleep all day. Other days I was able to function a little more. I managed to get to the gym in the morning, get my kids to school, and head to work. I’d go from totally normal and capable, to out of nowhere, in the middle of a meeting, in a room full of people, or in the car full of screaming kids, I’d get this urge to jump out of my skin, to run and hide. It was like I couldn’t breathe because I had a million things on my mind and yet couldn’t focus on one.
I couldn’t understand why I was going through this. I didn’t know how to stop it or make it go away, until I heard the following:
‘Depression is sad emotions that are tied to our past, and anxiety is fearful emotions that are tied to our future.’
I heard that and thought that's exactly why I have been on an emotional roller coaster. It’s because I haven’t been living in the now. I haven’t been living in the moment
If I'm not dwelling on my past mistakes and what could have been different, I’m obsessing over the future and what it will look like. I was always fearful that every decision I made would just be another failure.
No one should live like that, but a lot of people do. It’s sad to say but I'm not the first nor the last to have these kind of internal battles. I wish I had the power to banish anxiety and depression from the world, from every human heart and mind. But I will try to help by sharing the 3 things that have always helped me, even in the worst moments.
- Start with gratitude. It may sound silly but I say thank you to God for 7 things out loud. A grateful heart always helps to remove them for in my mind. Remember to be thankful for everything no matter how minimal.
- Follow with forgiveness. I always have to forgive myself and my past. Forgive not only my mistakes but also the mistakes of those who have walked this journey with me. It’s not always easy, but that's why I say that it's a daily thing, this thing called forgiveness. I always have to release myself from guilt. No one is perfect were all just trying to be better.
- Learn to live in the now. I'm always learning to stay in the moment and enjoy every good experience and leave the future in God's hands. Why be worried about the future if I’m not even there yet? I’m believing and trusting that all things will work together for good because I love God and He loves me.
This season of my life isn’t over but I already know I'm victorious. Fear, anxiety, and depression have no control over me.
